rags to rags

As I’m sure you know, I keep company with an imaginary pet giraffe, Sir Hector the Fancy, who I rescued from Pablo Escobar’s menagerie during the Reagan administration. WELL, last night I had to work late, and when I got home I found Hector passed out cold, his head through the kitchen window, his top hat nowhere to be found, and his monocle SHATTERED on the floor. I was like “HOLY SHIT, Hector, what the fuck happened?!”. I didn’t get much out of him, because he was unconscious and his breath wreaked of absinthe, but when he finally came to, boy, did I get a tale! Hector weaved me some yarn about how 3 black penguins jumped him, funneled alcohol down his long, silly neck, and then proceeded to beat the shit out of him! Can you believe that? I was like “Hector, do I look like an asshole to you? Do you honestly expect me to believe that PENGUINS did this?!” Needless to say, I immediately brought him to the Betty Ford clinic where he’s undergoing detox. He’ll make it though. If you can wein yourself off of Pablo Escobar’s cocain and live to tell the tale, alcohol should be a walk in the park. The worst part is, my insurance doesn’t cover imaginary giraffe vision (in SPITE of my outrageous premiums!), so it looks like I’m going to have to hold off on buying that Breville masticating juicer I’ve been eyeing. But what the Hell, Hector’s worth it.

Change of Heart

An ailing Dick Cheney receives a heart from an anonymous donor, only to learn later that it belonged to 18 year old Rasheesh Abdullah, a gay Iraqi civilian accidentally killed by American fire. Cheney goes to Iraq to  meets the boy’s family, where he is told that Rasheesh had been planning a solo trip across the desert on his beloved Camel, so that he could find himself. Cheney vows to complete this trip for him. What ensues is a journey…of the soul.

First Brotha

When President Obama’s misfit brother, Eddie (played by Sinbad), shows up on the White House in need of a place to stay, you KNOW we’re in for a wild ride! Obama reluctantly let’s Eddie stay with them in the White House, at Michelle’s request, but only under the condition that there are no shenanigans…but shenanigans are what Eddie does BEST! At one point he accidentally almost launches a nuclear missile, while on another occasion he puts on quite a display at a dinner attended by foreign dignitaries. In the end, it turns out Eddie was just what Obama needed in his life. Tyler Perry directs this instant classic.

Sinister

After an embarrassing sexual incident with a one legged transsexual hooker is caught on tape and put online, Mitt Romney is forced to withdraw from the race for the White House, Santorum wins the Republican nomination, and then the Presidency. Along with his Vice President, Kirk Cameron, he vows to cleanse America of deviance. He starts by banning all pornography and sterilizing gays. It soon becomes clear that his administration’s reign parallels that of Adolf Hitler, and America must stand United to keep the events of the past from repeating themselves.

Remember the Civil War? I sure don’t, but I remember hearing tell of how the fine citizens of the North swept in and kicked slavery’s ass, between bouts of discovering electricity, revolutionizing industry, and beating their bare chests with their fists. The north was a land of beauty and promise; home to Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison, and JD Rockefeller. It was a land where a black man could get a job in any farm or factory, and receive the same terrible treatment as his white counterpart. That’s why we in the North didn’t take too kindly to the shenanigans of the misfits in the South, who saw fit to enslave black man to pick the cotton they needed for the manufacture of their hideously gaudy cotillion dresses. And so, the North decided to intervene: We rode down to the South, side by side with our black brothers, on majestic horses with coats so God damned radiant the southerners were blinded by their beauty, and surrendered right on the spot. It was a magnificent feat that would unify this country for centuries to come…

Except the South, as it turns out, is a terrible place no matter whose leadership it’s under. No sooner had we in the North finished our inter-racial, celebratory orgy, than the people in the South started going back to their old ways. Mississippi got really depressed and started housing shit loads of food, and they NEVER STOPPED! Alabama rebelled against our education system, by refusing to teach their children to read. Meanwhile, Florida, perhaps the worst offender, saved it’s vengeance for years and years, until finally unleashing their fury by electing a TEXAN to the Presidency at the turn of the century. You’d think the South would finally grow up and stop acting like a Kathy comic strip after it got all that out of its system. ENTER RICK SANTORUM

So now, these jokesters are trying to elect Rick Santorum, a man whose name is literally synonymous with being a sloppy mess, President of the United States. OK, South, YOU WIN! We’ll sign the divorce papers and let you do your own thing if you just stop torturing us! We had a good thing going for a while: we’d take care of providing the country’s intellectual resources, capital, and ski-resorts, and in return, you wouldn’t say anything too offensive when our Jewish population decided to move to Boca. But enough is enough. Now you’re electing bigots, shooting black CHILDREN, and sullying our cities with unsightly tourists in fanny packs. Clearly, you need to work on your issues and learn to be happy with yourself, before we can ever be happy together. So I’ve signed the papers, congratufuckinglations. We’ll each go our separate ways, just like you wanted. We’ll keep our expansive, glimmering cities, and you can keep living the dream in your bayous. Maybe in a few years we’ll be in different places in our lives and can reconcile, but for now, we need our space, so good day to you.

PS: We’re also keeping all of our wonderful Jewish lawyers, and they’re going to ruin you in the divorce hearings. We’re definitely getting Miami and Boca in the Split.

Sincerely,

The North

A 40 year old ghost is the latest victim in a string of killings that’s rocked the multigrain community. Berry was found dead in his Manhattan penthouse by his partner, Count Chocula. “I walked in and noticed milk all over the floor, I found him with his phone in his hand. He’d dialed the first 6 digits of my phone number.” said a visibly shaken Chocula in a statement to police. The couple, who had been in a common law marriage since 1984, officially wed in a much publicized ceremony on Fire Island following the legalization of gay marriage in New York state.

Berry (right) with husband Chocula (center), & Friend, Ellen Degeneres (left)

Berry is the 4^th victim since the killings began on Christmas eve, when Snap and Pop were found by their brother, Crackle, having been shot execution style beneath their Christmas tree. “I honestly just don’t care what happens to me now,” Crackle said to reporters “If he gets me, he gets me. What’s the point?” Crackle, who would have normally been with his brothers for the holiday season, was finishing his 2^nd court ordered stint in a Malibu rehab facility, following a very public meltdown in November. Only a week after their deaths, Fitness mogul and former Frosted Flakes spokesman, Anthony Bengal, better know as “Tony the Tiger”, was found hanged in his Pilates studio in downtown Boston, by Patriots quarterback and friend, Tom Brady. Brady could not be reached for comment. Detective Elvin Muntz, the FBI official heading up the investigation, has warned all cereal spokesman to take precautions, and has now offered them 24 hour police protection. At the time of this printing, Muntz could not be reached for a comment.

Just Desserts

Down and out pastry chef Minnie Bell (Gwyneth Paltrow) just can’t seem to get it right in the love department, until one day the charming, no nonsense judge Steven Justus (Malcolm Jamal Warner) stops into her pastry shop for something sweet, and it’s love at first sight. Their relationship starts out hot and heavy, in a series of montages set to 80’s power ballads, but things soon take a turn for the worse when a murderer (Jack Black) put in jail by Justus escapes, and kidnaps him. Now it’s up to Bell to find, and rescue the love of her life, and give the murderer his Just Desserts. (Spoiler alert: She fails, because she’s a pastry chef with no crime fighting skills, whatsoever. They’re both killed and dumped in the Hudson)

Tee 4 Two

After being kicked out of the big professional golfing tournament following a racial tirade caught on tape, Blake Rogers (Mel Gibson) needs a new start. He devises a plan to hire a black caddy to help bolster his image. Rogers gets more than he bargained for when the Black Caddy Agency of America sends him the sassy and hip Starkesha Jones (Raven Simone). The odd couple struggles to find common ground amidst their cultural differences, but eventually learn that they’re not so different after all, and form a familial bond. Tune in to see what happens when this dynamic duo take the golf world by storm! (Hint: he still isn’t allowed to play because the stuff he said was really racist, and was more about Mexicans than blacks anyway).

Zombie Golden Girls

Rose Nylund (Betty White) sits alone in her Miami lanai, following the funeral of the last of her housemates to pass away. When a mysterious stranger appears at her door and offers her the chance to have her friends back, she jumps at it and buys the ruby amulet of resurrection from him. Later that night, Rose is stunned when she enters the kitchen for some late night cheesecake and find her friends, Zombie Sophia, Zombie Dorothy, and Zombie Blanche, sitting around the table, eating brains and talking about how hard dating is in the afterlife in late 80’s Miami. They’re all thrilled to be together at first, but when Rose learns they can only survive if they continue to eat brains, she must make a choice to let go of the past, and move on, or to lure in, and kill paper boys for them to eat. She decides to lure paperboys and is eventually arrested and put to death.