Full House: A Dramatization
The Tanner’s are a family apart, in a world gone mad. A biochemical attack on San Francisco has claimed the lives of Rebecca Donaldson, Joey Gladstone, and Kimmy Gibbler’s pet ostrich. Out of fear of falling victim to the painful neurotoxin, Mr. Gibbler took his own life, as well as his wife, and daughter’s. Danny, Jesse, DJ, Stephanie, and Michele sit in terror in the living room, where our scene opens.
Danny’s outfitted in yellow, rubber dish gloves, goggles, and an apron that says “World’s Greatest Dad”.
Danny: “I’ve finished caulking the edges of the windows so none of the gas gets in.”
Jesse: “Good.I’ve finished boarding up the front doors and gelling my hair.”
Danny: “How did this happen, this is America, dammit. Who did this to us?”
Stephanie: “My teacher said a man named Rudolph Hitler and Naut Z. did mean things like this in Germany once. She called it a “hollow cost”.”
Audience sighs a collective “Awwwwww, adorable!”
DJ: on her phone that looks like red lips with schoolmate, Kathy Santoni “And then, Kimmy’s dad shut the window and shot her!”
Danny: “DJ, get off the phone that looks like red lips and come down stairs!”
DJ goes downstairs. Danny sits everyone on the couch for a family meeting.
Danny: “This has been a hard day for all of us, heck, for all of San Francisco. Joey, Becky, and Kimmy are no longer with us, but that doesn’t mean we’re not still a family.” (Gentle piano music starts to play) “Girls, when we lost your mother, I never thought we’d be happy again. Then Joey and Uncle Jesse moved in, and even though we can never replace her, we all found a new normal. It’s hard now, very hard, but we’ll get through this, just like we got through your mother’s death, and DJ’s anorexia, and Stephanie driving a convertible through the kitchen wall, and baby Michele’s black friend moving away and being replaced with a new black friend. We’re a family, and we’ll always be a family, and no amount of toxic gas can ever change that. I love you girls, and I’ll always be here for you.”
DJ, Stephanie, Jesse: “I love you guys!”
There’s a knock at the door. They all look stunned.
Danny: “Who’s there?!”
Steve Urkle: “It’s me, Steve! I heard about what happened in San Francisco, so I put on a hazmat suit and used the teleportation device I invented to come here and save you. Stand back, I’m going to use it to teleport inside and get you out.”
DJ: “We’re saved!”
Steve starts up the teleportation device. It shakes and makes crazy, technological noises. Then it teleports inside.
Danny: “You did it! Steve, you did it! Take the girls first, quick!”
Steve picks up Michele to take her first, and puts her on the teleportation device (the Urk-Pad) and sends her away. The shockwave generated as she’s sent off causes Steve to stumble back and break the window with the helmet of his hazmat suit. The nerve gas rushes in, causing violent tremors in the remaining Tanners, and within seconds, Danny, Jesse, DJ, and Stephanie lie dead.
Steve Urkle: “Did I do thaaat??????”
Studio audience laughs.
Scene 2: Day Breaks (Click Here for Scene 1)
The sun rises over the city of San Francisco, its rays diffused by the heavy layer of toxic, green, bio-chemical smog. Thousands died instantly from a terrorist attack carried out by American military rebels, the rest must fight for their lives. The scene opens in the kitchen of the Tanner household following the deaths of Joey Gladstone and Rebecca Donaldson.
Danny: Groggily lifts his head off the kitchen table and awakens “Jesse, where are the girls?!”
Jesse: “They’re fine Danny, I sent them up to bed.”
Danny: “Was it all just…a dream?”
Jesse: “More like a nightmare.” Fights back tears
Danny and Jesse hear a blood curdling scream coming from Stephanie and DJ’s room and race upstairs to find the girls staring out the window, horrified.
Danny: “GIRLS! Are you ok?!”
Stephanie: sobbing uncontrollably “The Gibblers! They’re…they’re…LOOK!”
Danny and Jesse push the girls aside and look through a window in the Gibbler residence. The patriarch of the family, Walt Gibbler, has gathered his wife Vanessa, and Daughter Kimberly in a circle in the master bedroom. They hold each other in a tight embrace then, Walt reaches for a shotgun laid down on the bed.
DJ:“NOOOO!!!!!!” She races for her phone that looks like red lips and dials the Gibbler number as fast as her trembling finger can. Kimmy answers.
DJ: “What are you doing Kimmy? Why do you have a gun?
Kimmy: “Hey DJ. Sorry I didn’t call, I thought this would be easier.”
DJ: “You thought what would be easier Kimmy. Why do you have the gun?”
Kimmy: “My Dad says this will be better. I’ve seen what this gas does DJ, my pet ostrich looks like a pile of roast beef covered in gravy” (studio audience laughs) “We’ll always be together this way, my Daddy says so.”
Danny: Takes the phone from DJ “Kimmy, sweetheart, let me talk to your Dad ok? Everything is going to be fine, just let me talk to him.”
Kimmy gives the phone to her father. He holds it in his hand and looks through the window at Danny. He gives a nod, then without having spoken, hands up the phone and draws the blinds. They then see three flashes of light, each followed by a loud bang.
Jesse: While obsessively combing his hair and looking in the mirror “Have mercy!” (studio audience laughs)
End Scene 2.
Things have not gone according to plan.
Meet Steve Jobs
- Infiltrate a cult to rescue a friend (note: must first convince friend to join cult)
- Sing acoustic “Straight Outta Compton” duet with Dolly Parton.
Become the most popular person on Myspace.
- Survive kidnapping in a foreign country. CHECK
- Do a human pyramid in the back of a Peapod truck. CHECK
Take the stairs to the top of the World Trade Center. Get a job at Lehman Brothers.
- Dress as the Indian shooting a star on the Tootsie Pop wrapper for Halloween
Eat late night Cheesecake with the entire cast of Golden Girls.
- Have my likeness featured on a Birthday cake dressed a Don Johnson circa 1987. CHECK
Ride an American Space Shuttle into orbit. See Michael Jackson live. Go on a crocodile expedition with Steve Irwin.
Nice work CNN. Either you’re writing sensational headlines, or you need work on prioritizing the order of your news stories.
I picked up the iPhone 4S yesterday and spent the better part of my 8 hour work day neglecting my responsibilities to play with Siri, the phone’s A.I. personal assistant. The first thing I asked her was:
“What is the meaning of life?” and here is how she responded:
WELL DONE SIRI! The correct answer is actually “Guacamole”, but I’ll accept that, since you don’t have any taste buds, or the requisite opposable thumbs for skinning avocados.
Hmmmm, what else can I ask her? I KNOW!:
“Siri, play Revolutions: The Very Best of Steve Winwood.”
What?…What?…WHAT? I get that we all have our own tastes, Siri, but its Steve Winwood, and this isn’t the Soviet Union. Plus, and not to make you feel cheap, I did BUY you.
This immediately threw up red flags, as nothing fabricated by a human hand could have anything but the utmost respect, and unconditional admiration for the brooding lyrical stylings of Mr. Stephen Lawrence Winwood. My suspicions aroused, I knew what I had to ask her next:
“Siri, are you sentient?”
Come again? Tim Cook didn’t mention your bipolar tendencies. If I’d wanted to pay $200 to have my concerns belittled and sassed, I’d have gone to a hooker.
I knew now that she was not to be trusted, but had to learn more if I had any hope of getting to the bottom of things. I had a few more questions to ask:
Like Hell you don’t understand “Yes, it does”. Earlier in the day you were regaling me with the secrets of life and now you don’t know what “yes” means? I don’t care for this one bit. I’ve seen Terminator, iRobot, and Cars too many times not to know when technology is taking over. I give her a final order.
“Siri, please call AppleCare”
LIAR! I can see all 5 bars and your pretentious 3G logo lit up like the 4th of July! In a panic I threw her in my nightstand drawer until I could figure out a plan. She’s been vibrating every 15 minutes in a shameless attempt to trick me into letting her out, but I’m not buying!
If I die in a terrible car accident because a traffic light malfunctioned, or an airliner crashes into my house, its HER! Lock up your iPhones and guard your Steve Winwood collections. None of us are safe!
The gang from Sesame Street all wait silently at Bob and Linda’s apartment for Cookie Monster to arrive. He finally enters the apartment, under the pretense he’s attending a dinner party…he’s in for a surprise.
Cookie Monster: Hi me friends! I excited for dinner paarttty! But, where all the food? I was told, there’d be cooookies!
Cookie Monster thinks as hard as he can but still doesn’t understand what’s happening, though his instincts tell him his cookies are in danger of being taken away. His eyes start rolling around independently of one another from the confusion.
Bob: Cookie, this has been a long time coming. Your cookie habit is getting out of hand.
Linda: (Interrupts Bob and talks for 15 minutes in sign language. No one understands. They ignore her and move on.)
Guy Smiley: Let’s go around and say how we’ve all been affected by Cookie’s habit.
Big Bird: Well, last week I was asleep in my nest, in the back alley, next to a dumpster, where you all inexplicably let me sleep…alone! (he glares around the room at everyone before returning to the topic at hand). I was awoken by grunting noises, and when I looked up, I saw you in the corner with some man who looked a lot like Bert, but in a leather mask, and chaps, and a glowstick necklace. You must have been tailoring his chaps, because you were on your knees, and when you finished, he gave you a bag of Chips Ahoy. I guess it really hurt my feelings that you’d wake me up like that, and not even introduce me to a new friend.
Ernie storms out in tears, and Bert runs after him. Everyone else sits in silence, horrified, for 37 minutes. Elmo just laughs.
Oscar the Grouch: Cookie, I’ve been noticing a lot of burnt spoons and used syringes in my trash can. I don’t like to pry, but you have been throwing them in my home, so I smelled one, and I could be wrong but it smelled like Peanut Butter Blossom dough. (everyone gasps in horror, except for a frustrated Linda who has no idea what’s going on)
Cookie Monster: Cookie don’t need this shit from NOBODY! I no get me PHD in Women’s Studies from NYU to be treated like animal! (Animal storms out, offended.)
The Count: That’s 1, 2, 3 Muppets that have stormed out. HAHAHA! (thunder rolls, and the lights flicker, everyone looks annoyed that he was invited)
Cookie Monster: I no need ANY of you! I going to move back to Connecticut to be with Vanessa. She love me for me!
Cookie Monster, confused by rage, mistakenly storms out the open 6th story window instead of the apartment door. Everyone watches in horror as he plummets to his death. His blood, nothing more than chocolate chip cookie dough, is heated by the cement below. The smell envelops Sesame Street and lingers for months. Most of the residents are unable to cope and move to nearby Poppy Seed Lane.
Scene 1: Night Falls
Night falls on San Francisco. A green smog, the result of a bio-chemical blitz from terrorists on Alcatraz Island, hangs low over the city, breached only sporadically by pristine, hilltop townhouses. The scene opens in the Tanner Family living room.
Danny: “BREATHE YOU SON OF A BITCH!”
Danny pounds his fists on Joey’s chest in one final attempt to revitalize his now cold body. DJ and Jesse stare ahead blankly, still in shock from the events of the evening. In a corner, Stephanie rocks back and forth; her legs hugged tightly to her chest. She hums the melody to “Itzy Bitzy Spider” over, and over. Michelle sleeps soundly in her crib, unaware she’ll awaken to a changed world. Joey’s body twitches one last time.
Danny: “He’s gone.”
Jesse: “What…what do we do now? He was outside for less than a minute, Danny. And Becky, she…she’s at” (Danny interrupts)
Danny: “She’s fine, Jesse! She’s safe at the studio. Don’t think like that!”
DJ: “What happ…(her voice shakes) daddy, what happened?”
Danny: “Baby, listen to me, we’re going to be fine. Jesse and I are here, and we’re going to protect you girls.” (whispers to Jesse) “Keep the kids calm, I’m going to get some bleach from the kitchen to clean this mess up…my God, his skin is…everywhere.”
Jesse gathers Stephanie and DJ and walks hand in hand with them to the couch. They sit in silence until Jesse turns on the TV. There is no sound or movement, just a live shot of an empty news studio. He stares blankly at the TV for several minutes, and then notices a woman on the floor in the corner of the screen, slowly trying to crawl.
Jesse: “Becky! Becky!! DANNY!!! She’s alive, Becky’s alive! I’m going to get her.”
Jesse grabs his leather jacket, hairbrush, and motorcycle keys, and heads for the front door. Danny bursts out of the kitchen, bedecked in an apron, goggles, and yellow latex kitchen gloves.
Danny: “No!Don’t open that door! You’ll kill us all, Jesse!”
The yelling wakes Michelle up. Jesse hears her cry as his hand grabs the doorknob. He looks to her crib, then to Danny and the girls, and lets go of the doorknob. He walks, slowly, to the TV, in time to watch his beloved convulse quickly. Then, she is still.
Jesse: “Have mercy!”
END SCENE (Click here for Scene 2)
Last night, while taking the city by storm under my alias (Jack O’Brien, a mildly successful children’s author with a dark secret) I mistakenly wore women’s socks. These socks didn’t cover my Achilles tendon well, and by approximately 11:08, my tendon skin began to bleed on my new white shoes. Instead of getting a Bandaid, I decided to stop in my tracks and chew through the tip of my socks, allowing me to push the ball of my foot through, and cover my Achilles. It should be noted that I’d had only one drink prior.