Okay, you guys can go around if you want. I’m crossing here. And while you guys are dragging your candy asses half way across the state and back, I’ll be waiting on the other side, relaxing with my thoughts.
—Teddy, Stand by Me
—Teddy, Stand by Me
A few months ago I purchased a Wii Fit to supplement my bi monthly trips to the gym. For those of you who are unaware, Wii Fit is a videogame designed to help the user get in shape through a series of exercises and balance games. It comes with a wireless board to stand on which detects balance and weight. The commercials make Wii Fit look like fun for the whole family. They Lie. Wii Fit is the Devil’s toy and a bully. All that follows is true. Here is my story:
Day 1: Holy crap, I can’t believe how excited I am about Wii Fit. Everything about it is amazing and I’m certain that 40 minutes a day playing this videogame will do what for my body what trips to the gym and dieting never could. I’m going to be ripped. I spend about 5 minutes setting it up, by taking my measurements and setting a weight loss goal, and then procede to play a game where I head butt soccer balls. “My God!” I think “at this rate I’ll have 8 pack abs within a week”
Day 7: Oops, I got a little busy with work and took some time off, but I’m raring to go now. I start up the game and get a message on the screen “Hey Shaun, I see it’s been 6 days since I last saw you, to hit your goal try to come every day!” Adorable! It’s talking to me like it’s real and encouraging me to do my best. I can’t get enough.
Day 10: I missed a little bit more time, but I’m ready to go and even decided to do the body test which involves checking my weight, BMI, and center of balance. The Wii notices my center of balance is slightly off. “Great” I think, “I’ll work on that”
Day 19: After a relaxing vacation, I’m ready to get back in the game and give it my all. I’m through dicking around with this soccer nonsense and am ready to get into some yoga. I get on the board for my daily measuring, “Hi Shaun, I see it’s been 9 days since you last came, it’s important to come everyday if you want to hit your goal”. I want to explain that I’d been on vacation and didn’t have access to my Wii but then I remember it’s a videogame. Next up was the weigh in: “Oh, it looks like you’ve actually gained 2 lbs. Make sure you stay active” I got defensive: “Sorry, I was on vacation!”
Day 25: I’ve been eating healthy since my last weigh in, and running at lunch. I’m confident that I’ve lost the 2 lbs I’d gained before and am ready to get back on my wii fit board. Success! I managed to lose the weight. I procede to the balance portion of my daily body test. “Woah! you’re center of balance is a little to the right. Do you trip over your own feet a lot?” “Excuse me? What was that Wii Fit? There may have been a nicer way to word that”. I was taken aback by my Wii’s increasingly agitated mood.
Day 30: I stepped on the board and the first word the Wii said was “WOAH!”. Really, “WOAH!”? That seems unnecessary. It also happend to be the deadline I’d set on the Wii for my 5 lb weight loss goal. “Looks like you missed your goal and actually gained weight, make sure you set realistic goals.” I feel defeated and stop immediately after the Wii expresses it’s disappointment in me.
Day 44: For the past 2 weeks I’ve literally been starving myself, and avoiding the Wii at all costs. An average meal for me now consists of only what I need to stay awake. I skip breakfast, have a Kashi bar and orange juice for lunch, and a small dressingless salad for dinner. I can feel my stomach eating itself and I’m always tired, but I know it’s going to be worth it when I get back on that Wii Fit board. “Looks like you’ve lost 5.7 lbs since you last came. But remember, you need to come every day.” this was immediatly followed by “Woah, your balance is off. Were you closing your eyes when you took the test?” “DAMMIT! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!” Nothing will ever be good enough for Wii Fit; it is the Jewish mother of video games.
Day 50: I’m still starving myself to please the Wii Fit. People around me are beginning to get concerned and the exhaustion is most definitely affecting my work, but I’ll be damned if that machine is going to make a fool out of me again. For once, it has nothing to say. Victory.
Day 51: I step on the Wii Fit board and receive a cold “welcome back”. I’m ready to start my workout but apparently the Wii Fit has other plans; “Have you seen Josh (my roommate) lately? He hasn’t been here in a while. How is his posture looking?” This was immediately followed by a pop up menu that actually made me answer how Josh’s posture looked, and “No Comment” wasn’t an option. I put “Improved” the Wii then said “Really? are you sure you’re getting a good look at his posture?” What? Um, excuse me did you just call me a liar sir. This is the breaking point. I sure as hell didn’t pay $80 to have some videogame call me a fat clumsy liar. Now it’s trying to turn me on my roommate? I don’t think so. Furthermore, if it has this much to say about Josh what has it been saying about me behind my back. “UGHHHH. FUCK YOU!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “You were made by Asians and have unrealistic body image expectations! I hope you die!”
Day 52: I asked my sister to get me the new Super Mario Brothers game for Christmas. Screw you Wii Fit,