the roaring 20-somethings

In a valiant effort to preserve my sanity, I decided to use my remaining vacation time to take the entire month of December off, and do nothing. “You’ll get bored!” my colleagues exclaimed with distinct undertones of jealousy. “Unlike at work?” I retorted “where each keystroke and fax is more riveting than the last? I’ll take my chances assholes…see you next year.”

I bided my time with reading, excessive cleaning, trips to the gym, and enough vodka to stabilize the Russian economy, and destabilize my balance. By the end of week one, I’d already forgotten what day it was. “There’s trash on the curb. That means today must be…Tuueeesday?” Everything was coming up Shaun, and I was loving life. Meanwhile, I’d heard through the grapevine that things were not going well at work. Production was bad, and morale was worse, both of which I attribute directly to my absence. Something had to be done, and since I was the only one who had read “The Secret” upwards of 2 1/2 times, I knew I was the man for the job. The company’s annual Chrismahanukwanza party was in a few days, and seemed the perfect time for me to sweep in and boost morale. The theme was the roaring 20’s, though the cash bar gave off a decidedly un-roaring vibe. Nevertheless, I showed up in my 1920s garb (bowtie, monocle, old-timey polio wheelchair) with every intention of doing my damndest to boost morale and save the day.

Fast forward to the next morning. I woke up with the imprint of a monocle on my ass, and smelled of Kung Pao Chicken. I had no recollection of the events of the previous evening, with the exception of asking random passers by if they knew how to tie a bow-tie. My text history yielded only more mysteries, though a slew of emoticon frowny faces leads me to assume the worst. Through some detective work, I learned that nobody seemed to remember the happenings of the night (a blessing and a curse). Fortunately, the photographer for the event captured this moment of me boosting the morale of our receptionists. I’m expecting to receive my pink slip any minute now.