Rags to Rags

My Chrismahanakwanza cards go on sale today! Get your Christmas...

Sun, 25 Nov 2012 17:54:00 -0500

My Chrismahanakwanza cards go on sale today! Get your Christmas cards at Hanukkah prices!

Hector the Giraffe Escapes from Pablo Escobar's Menagerie

Fri, 31 Aug 2012 09:55:00 -0400

I checked my imaginary pet giraffe, Hector, into rehab today. It was difficult, and not just emotionally. The Dunes in East Hampton is lauded for its decadent quarters and lavish grounds, but I’d argue that any rehab facility that doesn’t mandate twenty-foot arch doorways and window access to Acacia trees is undervaluing market for imaginary methamphetamine addicted ungulates.

Hector was rescued from Pablo Escobar’s menagerie during the police raid on his estate. His mother, Assata, had been abducted from The Savanna against her will as a Quinceañera gift for Manuela Escobar, whose ample frame she was forced parade through the streets of Medellín amid cheers from onlookers. Her longing to return to Africa soon gave way to complete intoxication with the Escobar lifestyle, marked by an affinity for cocaine laden mangos, and an almost savage taste for human blood. One night, high on an eight-ball and feeling invincible, Assata surrendered her body to Pablo’s steroid fuelled attack giraffe, Alfonse, and after an abnormally short gestation, Hector entered the world, addicted to cocaine, coffee, and various opiates. By the time we stormed Escobar Manor in 1993, Assata was long dead, having fallen victim one of Manuela’s bouts of rage, and Hector was left to fend for himself. So I poured my life savings into having him flown to the States so I could raise him.

People thought me insane for spending so much money on an imaginary pet giraffe. My friends, Stefan and Steven, tried to hold an intervention, and even went as far as to have a therapist show up. “This is crazy” they said. “All that money on an imaginary animal?” I quickly pointed out that they were the crazy ones, having themselves spent tens of thousands of dollars to bring something as pedestrian as a real Asian baby to live with them. But I’m nuts for bringing a majestic imaginary giraffe with a top hat, running sneakers, and a monocle to live with me? Okay, guys.

It was tough at first. I managed to nurse Hector to health by weaning him off of cocaine with a cocktail of Redbull and Ritalin, but the solution was short lived. In spite of my outrageous healthcare premiums, my provider refused to cover brand name Ritalin for imaginary animals, and I’ll be damned if I was going to subject Hector to the generic bastardization that’s become all the rage amongst the nation’s peasant children. I took all the money I’d been saving for a stainless steel, Breville masticating juicer and put it toward Hector’s treatments, but even that was only enough to last a month, at which time I had to trust in Hector’s willpower, and dedication to the 12 step program he’d been attending. For years he managed to keep his old habits at bay, but as the 20^th anniversary of his mother’s beheading/benecking at the hands of Manuela Escobar began to approach, Hector fell into his old routine. That’s when the trouble began.

Last night I had to work late at my night job with Sleep Hut International, and when I got home I found Hector passed out cold, his head through the kitchen window, his top hat nowhere to be found, and his monocle shattered on the floor. Enraged, I demanded he tell me what had transpired. I didn’t get much out of him, because he was unconscious and his breath reeked of cheap absinthe, but when he finally came to, boy did I get a tale. Hector spun me a yarn about three black, inner city penguins jumping him, forcing him to ingest meth, funneling alcohol down his long, silly neck and then proceeding to beat him without mercy. “Hector, do I look stupid to you?” I asked him as I struggled to disrobe from my mattress costume. “Do you honestly expect me to believe that penguins did this?!” Just the night before that he’d come home drunk at 4am with pupils the size of saucers, holding a woman’s prosthetic leg in his mouth. His monkeyshines were becoming more than I could handle, and I knew I couldn’t let his self-destructive behavior continue. I’m a man who addresses his problem head on (with the exception of the minor abandonment issues that led me to adopt a make believe, drug addicted, African beast) and I wasn’t going to sit idly by while my imaginary pet threw his pretend life away.

So, this morning I emptied my 401K and drove Hector to the The Dunes where I’ve enrolled him in the same four month rejuvenation program that helped Bjork’s imaginary narwhal Barnabas end a yearlong hording addiction that some pesky mermaid he was dating got him into. Hector will be just fine. He’s got heart for days, and if you can wean yourself off of Pablo Escobar’s cocaine mangos and live to tell the tale, alcohol and crystal meth should be a walk in the park.

Spec Script for Sex and the Prairie Laura Ingalls-Bradshaw...

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 10:29:00 -0400

Spec Script for Sex and the Prairie

Laura Ingalls-Bradshaw struggles to find love, friendship, and dysentery medication in Waltnut Grove

V/O Laura Ingalls-Bradshaw (As portrayed by Sara Jessica Parker)

Last night, my friend Nellie Oleson went on a double first date. Edgar was not only the first Jew she’d been out with, but the first black man as well. It was out of character for her, but beggers can’t be choosers in Walnut Grove. Unfortunately, Nellie got more than she bargained for, when Edgar took her to the hanging of his soon to be ex-brother-in-law.

EXT: OLSEN’S EATERY, MORNING

Laura

He brought you WHERE?!

Nellie

The hanging of his brother in law. Oh, excuse me, his EX brother in law.

Laura

WHY?!

Nellie

We’d made the date before the it was scheduled, and he didn’t want to miss it, but he obviously had to go to the

hanging. I think it’s a cultural thing.

Charlotte

Oh, I think it’s sweet! They’re very family oriented you know.

Laura

What’d you do after?

Nellie

We had this fabulous dinner that his mother had prepared in advanced. Apparently she was the slave cook for the Vanderbilt’s Jupiter Island estate.

Samantha

Tres Chic! And did he take you out in the hay for…dessert?

Nellie
Yes, but.

Samantha

But what, honey? A straight, single man in the Prairie is a hard man to find…and a hard man in the Prairie is a good one to find!

Nellie

Here’s the thing…

Laura V/O

Apparently, Edgar’s brother in law wasn’t the only member of the family who was hung that night. Only this kind would have Nellie riding side saddle for weeks.

Nellie

…and now, I can hardly walk!

Laura

Then can I borrow those new Manolo Blahnik cowgirl boots?

Laura V/O

Meanwhile, across town, Mary was dealing with problems of her own. She’d recently taken to whittling, and had fashioned her very first dildo out of a piece of oak. Ma had warned her that playing with herself could lead to blindness, but Mary didn’t believe her…

My full line of adult themed picture books is finally available...

Tue, 29 May 2012 12:28:00 -0400

My full line of adult themed picture books is finally available at fine book merchants near you. Find them between Self-Help and Erotica today!

POLITICAL million dollar movie ideas.

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 19:09:00 -0400

Change of Heart

An ailing Dick Cheney receives a heart from an anonymous donor, only to learn later that it belonged to 18 year old Rasheesh Abdullah, a gay Iraqi civilian accidentally killed by American fire. Cheney goes to Iraq to meets the boy’s family, where he is told that Rasheesh had been planning a solo trip across the desert on his beloved Camel, so that he could find himself. Cheney vows to complete this trip for him. What ensues is a journey…of the soul.

First Brotha

When President Obama’s misfit brother, Eddie (played by Sinbad), shows up on the White House in need of a place to stay, you KNOW we’re in for a wild ride! Obama reluctantly let’s Eddie stay with them in the White House, at Michelle’s request, but only under the condition that there are no shenanigans…but shenanigans are what Eddie does BEST! At one point he accidentally almost launches a nuclear missile, while on another occasion he puts on quite a display at a dinner attended by foreign dignitaries. In the end, it turns out Eddie was just what Obama needed in his life. Tyler Perry directs this instant classic.

Sinister

After an embarrassing sexual incident with a one legged transsexual hooker is caught on tape and put online, Mitt Romney is forced to withdraw from the race for the White House, Santorum wins the Republican nomination, and then the Presidency. Along with his Vice President, Kirk Cameron, he vows to cleanse America of deviance. He starts by banning all pornography and sterilizing gays. It soon becomes clear that his administration’s reign parallels that of Adolf Hitler, and America must stand United to keep the events of the past from repeating themselves.

Not only do tree branches and lungs have indisputable physical...

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 15:57:00 -0500

Not only do tree branches and lungs have indisputable physical similarities, they also have the same function: gas exchange.

MORE hit movie ideas!

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 00:14:00 -0500

Just Desserts

Down and out pastry chef Minnie Bell (Gwyneth Paltrow) just can’t seem to get it right in the love department, until one day the charming, no nonsense judge Steven Justus (Malcolm Jamal Warner) stops into her pastry shop for something sweet, and it’s love at first sight. Their relationship starts out hot and heavy, in a series of montages set to 80’s power ballads, but things soon take a turn for the worse when a murderer (Jack Black) put in jail by Justus escapes, and kidnaps him. Now it’s up to Bell to find, and rescue the love of her life, and give the murderer his Just Desserts. (Spoiler alert: She fails, because she’s a pastry chef with no crime fighting skills, whatsoever. They’re both killed and dumped in the Hudson)

Tee 4 Two

After being kicked out of the big professional golfing tournament following a racial tirade caught on tape, Blake Rogers (Mel Gibson) needs a new start. He devises a plan to hire a black caddy to help bolster his image. Rogers gets more than he bargained for when the Black Caddy Agency of America sends him the sassy and hip Starkesha Jones (Raven Simone). The odd couple struggles to find common ground amidst their cultural differences, but eventually learn that they’re not so different after all, and form a familial bond. Tune in to see what happens when this dynamic duo take the golf world by storm! (Hint: he still isn’t allowed to play because the stuff he said was really racist, and was more about Mexicans than blacks anyway).

Zombie Golden Girls

Rose Nylund (Betty White) sits alone in her Miami lanai, following the funeral of the last of her housemates to pass away. When a mysterious stranger appears at her door and offers her the chance to have her friends back, she jumps at it and buys the ruby amulet of resurrection from him. Later that night, Rose is stunned when she enters the kitchen for some late night cheesecake and find her friends, Zombie Sophia, Zombie Dorothy, and Zombie Blanche, sitting around the table, eating brains and talking about how hard dating is in the afterlife in late 80’s Miami. They’re all thrilled to be together at first, but when Rose learns they can only survive if they continue to eat brains, she must make a choice to let go of the past, and move on, or to lure in, and kill paper boys for them to eat. She decides to lure paperboys and is eventually arrested and put to death.

the roaring 20-somethings

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 00:08:00 -0500

In a valiant effort to preserve my sanity, I decided to use my remaining vacation time to take the entire month of December off, and do nothing. “You’ll get bored!” my colleagues exclaimed with distinct undertones of jealousy. “Unlike at work?” I retorted “where each keystroke and fax is more riveting than the last? I’ll take my chances assholes…see you next year.”

I bided my time with reading, excessive cleaning, trips to the gym, and enough vodka to stabilize the Russian economy, and destabilize my balance. By the end of week one, I’d already forgotten what day it was. “There’s trash on the curb. That means today must be…Tuueeesday?” Everything was coming up Shaun, and I was loving life. Meanwhile, I’d heard through the grapevine that things were not going well at work. Production was bad, and morale was worse, both of which I attribute directly to my absence. Something had to be done, and since I was the only one who had read “The Secret” upwards of 2 1/2 times, I knew I was the man for the job. The company’s annual Chrismahanukwanza party was in a few days, and seemed the perfect time for me to sweep in and boost morale. The theme was the roaring 20’s, though the cash bar gave off a decidedly un-roaring vibe. Nevertheless, I showed up in my 1920s garb (bowtie, monocle, old-timey polio wheelchair) with every intention of doing my damndest to boost morale and save the day.

Fast forward to the next morning. I woke up with the imprint of a monocle on my ass, and smelled of Kung Pao Chicken. I had no recollection of the events of the previous evening, with the exception of asking random passers by if they knew how to tie a bow-tie. My text history yielded only more mysteries, though a slew of emoticon frowny faces leads me to assume the worst. Through some detective work, I learned that nobody seemed to remember the happenings of the night (a blessing and a curse). Fortunately, the photographer for the event captured this moment of me boosting the morale of our receptionists. I’m expecting to receive my pink slip any minute now.

Top 10 Pornographic Movies of 2011

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:09:00 -0500

2011 was a groundbreaking year for cinema, but it’s so easy to overlook the amazing year that cinema provided for the porn industry. Here’s a look back at the top 10 pornos of the year:

Midnight in Paris (Hilton)

Moneyballs

War Whores

Sherlock Homo: A Game of Dildos

XXX-Men: First Ass

Harry Potter & The Breathly Swallows

Pussy in Boots

Jack off Jill

Darker Movies:

Bride’s AIDS

Rise of the Planet of the Rapes

journal entry from 12/01/10

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 03:23:22 -0500

Dear Journal,

Me again! So today my ex-girlfriend just showed up out of nowhere, and was all “I LOVE you! Don’t forget me!”. I was like “Bitch PLEASE, time to move on!” THEN she was all, “I’m going to write a song about the love we had, and how you treated me, and then you’ll feel like a real asshole.” And I was all “Ummmmm, sure, go ahead and do that. Like anyone’s going to listen to your shitty little song!” She’ll never amount to anything. Stupid Adele.

I finally tricked Siri into telling a joke!

Wed, 16 Nov 2011 10:19:00 -0500

I finally tricked Siri into telling a joke!

Full House: A Dramatization, Final Scene

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 19:48:00 -0500

Full House: A Dramatization

Scene Three: The Escape (Click here for Scene 1, Click here for Scene 2)

The Tanner’s are a family apart, in a world gone mad. A biochemical attack on San Francisco has claimed the lives of Rebecca Donaldson, Joey Gladstone, and Kimmy Gibbler’s pet ostrich. Out of fear of falling victim to the painful neurotoxin, Mr. Gibbler took his own life, as well as his wife, and daughter’s. Danny, Jesse, DJ, Stephanie, and Michele sit in terror in the living room, where our scene opens.

Danny’s outfitted in yellow, rubber dish gloves, goggles, and an apron that says “World’s Greatest Dad”.

Danny: “I’ve finished caulking the edges of the windows so none of the gas gets in.”

Jesse: “Good.I’ve finished boarding up the front doors and gelling my hair.”

Danny: “How did this happen, this is America, dammit. Who did this to us?”

Stephanie: “My teacher said a man named Rudolph Hitler and Naut Z. did mean things like this in Germany once. She called it a “hollow cost”.”

Audience sighs a collective “Awwwwww, adorable!”

DJ: on her phone that looks like red lips with schoolmate, Kathy Santoni “And then, Kimmy’s dad shut the window and shot her!”

Danny: “DJ, get off the phone that looks like red lips and come down stairs!”

DJ goes downstairs. Danny sits everyone on the couch for a family meeting.

Danny: “This has been a hard day for all of us, heck, for all of San Francisco. Joey, Becky, and Kimmy are no longer with us, but that doesn’t mean we’re not still a family.” (Gentle piano music starts to play) “Girls, when we lost your mother, I never thought we’d be happy again. Then Joey and Uncle Jesse moved in, and even though we can never replace her, we all found a new normal. It’s hard now, very hard, but we’ll get through this, just like we got through your mother’s death, and DJ’s anorexia, and Stephanie driving a convertible through the kitchen wall, and baby Michele’s black friend moving away and being replaced with a new black friend. We’re a family, and we’ll always be a family, and no amount of toxic gas can ever change that. I love you girls, and I’ll always be here for you.”

DJ, Stephanie, Jesse: “I love you guys!”

There’s a knock at the door. They all look stunned.

Danny: “Who’s there?!”

Steve Urkle: “It’s me, Steve! I heard about what happened in San Francisco, so I put on a hazmat suit and used the teleportation device I invented to come here and save you. Stand back, I’m going to use it to teleport inside and get you out.”

DJ: “We’re saved!”

Steve starts up the teleportation device. It shakes and makes crazy, technological noises. Then it teleports inside.

Danny: “You did it! Steve, you did it! Take the girls first, quick!”

Steve picks up Michele to take her first, and puts her on the teleportation device (the Urk-Pad) and sends her away. The shockwave generated as she’s sent off causes Steve to stumble back and break the window with the helmet of his hazmat suit. The nerve gas rushes in, causing violent tremors in the remaining Tanners, and within seconds, Danny, Jesse, DJ, and Stephanie lie dead.

Steve Urkle: “Did I do thaaat??????”

Studio audience laughs.

The End

Full House: A Dramatization, Scene 2

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 18:01:00 -0400

Scene 2: Day Breaks (Click Here for Scene 1)

The sun rises over the city of San Francisco, its rays diffused by the heavy layer of toxic, green, bio-chemical smog. Thousands died instantly from a terrorist attack carried out by American military rebels, the rest must fight for their lives. The scene opens in the kitchen of the Tanner household following the deaths of Joey Gladstone and Rebecca Donaldson.

Danny: Groggily lifts his head off the kitchen table and awakens “Jesse, where are the girls?!”

Jesse: “They’re fine Danny, I sent them up to bed.”

Danny: “Was it all just…a dream?”

Jesse: “More like a nightmare.” Fights back tears

Danny and Jesse hear a blood curdling scream coming from Stephanie and DJ’s room and race upstairs to find the girls staring out the window, horrified.

Danny: “GIRLS! Are you ok?!”

Stephanie: sobbing uncontrollably “The Gibblers! They’re…they’re…LOOK!”

Danny and Jesse push the girls aside and look through a window in the Gibbler residence. The patriarch of the family, Walt Gibbler, has gathered his wife Vanessa, and Daughter Kimberly in a circle in the master bedroom. They hold each other in a tight embrace then, Walt reaches for a shotgun laid down on the bed.

DJ:“NOOOO!!!!!!” She races for her phone that looks like red lips and dials the Gibbler number as fast as her trembling finger can. Kimmy answers.

DJ: “What are you doing Kimmy? Why do you have a gun?

Kimmy: “Hey DJ. Sorry I didn’t call, I thought this would be easier.”

DJ: “You thought what would be easier Kimmy. Why do you have the gun?”

Kimmy: “My Dad says this will be better. I’ve seen what this gas does DJ, my pet ostrich looks like a pile of roast beef covered in gravy” (studio audience laughs) “We’ll always be together this way, my Daddy says so.”

Danny: Takes the phone from DJ “Kimmy, sweetheart, let me talk to your Dad ok? Everything is going to be fine, just let me talk to him.”

Kimmy gives the phone to her father. He holds it in his hand and looks through the window at Danny. He gives a nod, then without having spoken, hands up the phone and draws the blinds. They then see three flashes of light, each followed by a loud bang.

Jesse: While obsessively combing his hair and looking in the mirror “Have mercy!” (studio audience laughs)

End Scene 2.

Click here for the final scene

bucketlist (july, 2001 draft)

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 12:31:00 -0400

Things have not gone according to plan.

~~Meet Steve Jobs~~
Infiltrate a cult to rescue a friend (note: must first convince friend to join cult)
Sing acoustic “Straight Outta Compton” duet with Dolly Parton.
~~Become the most popular person on Myspace.~~
Survive kidnapping in a foreign country. CHECK
Do a human pyramid in the back of a Peapod truck. CHECK
~~Take the stairs to the top of the World Trade Center.~~
~~~~Get a job at Lehman Brothers~~.~~
Dress as the Indian shooting a star on the Tootsie Pop wrapper for Halloween
~~Eat late night Cheesecake with the entire cast of Golden Girls.~~
Have my likeness featured on a Birthday cake dressed a Don Johnson circa 1987. CHECK
~~Ride an American Space Shuttle into orbit.~~
~~See Michael Jackson live~~.
~~Go on a crocodile expedition with Steve Irwin.~~

Nice work CNN. Either you’re writing sensational...

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 18:04:47 -0400

Nice work CNN. Either you’re writing sensational headlines, or you need work on prioritizing the order of your news stories.

lock up your iphones, they're not to be trusted!

Sat, 15 Oct 2011 02:15:00 -0400

I picked up the iPhone 4S yesterday and spent the better part of my 8 hour work day neglecting my responsibilities to play with Siri, the phone’s A.I. personal assistant. The first thing I asked her was:

“What is the meaning of life?” and here is how she responded:

WELL DONE SIRI! The correct answer is actually “Guacamole”, but I’ll accept that, since you don’t have any taste buds, or the requisite opposable thumbs for skinning avocados.

Hmmmm, what else can I ask her? I KNOW!:

“Siri, play Revolutions: The Very Best of Steve Winwood.”

What?…What?…WHAT? I get that we all have our own tastes, Siri, but its Steve Winwood, and this isn’t the Soviet Union. Plus, and not to make you feel cheap, I did BUY you.

This immediately threw up red flags, as nothing fabricated by a human hand could have anything but the utmost respect, and unconditional admiration for the brooding lyrical stylings of Mr. Stephen Lawrence Winwood. My suspicions aroused, I knew what I had to ask her next:

“Siri, are you sentient?”

Come again? Tim Cook didn’t mention your bipolar tendencies. If I’d wanted to pay $200 to have my concerns belittled and sassed, I’d have gone to a hooker.

I knew now that she was not to be trusted, but had to learn more if I had any hope of getting to the bottom of things. I had a few more questions to ask:

Like Hell you don’t understand “Yes, it does”. Earlier in the day you were regaling me with the secrets of life and now you don’t know what “yes” means? I don’t care for this one bit. I’ve seen Terminator, iRobot, and Cars too many times not to know when technology is taking over. I give her a final order.

“Siri, please call AppleCare”

LIAR! I can see all 5 bars and your pretentious 3G logo lit up like the 4th of July! In a panic I threw her in my nightstand drawer until I could figure out a plan. She’s been vibrating every 15 minutes in a shameless attempt to trick me into letting her out, but I’m not buying!

If I die in a terrible car accident because a traffic light malfunctioned, or an airliner crashes into my house, its HER! Lock up your iPhones and guard your Steve Winwood collections. None of us are safe!

cookie monster's intervention.

Wed, 12 Oct 2011 10:31:00 -0400

The gang from Sesame Street all wait silently at Bob and Linda’s apartment for Cookie Monster to arrive. He finally enters the apartment, under the pretense he’s attending a dinner party…he’s in for a surprise.

Cookie Monster: Hi me friends! I excited for dinner paarttty! But, where all the food? I was told, there’d be cooookies!

Guy Smiley (mediator): Hi Cookie. As you can see, all your friends are here tonight. Everyone in this room cares about you greatly, and it’s for that reason they’ve gathered here to voice some concerns about your use of cookies.

Cookie Monster thinks as hard as he can but still doesn’t understand what’s happening, though his instincts tell him his cookies are in danger of being taken away. His eyes start rolling around independently of one another from the confusion.

Bob: Cookie, this has been a long time coming. Your cookie habit is getting out of hand.

Linda: (Interrupts Bob and talks for 15 minutes in sign language. No one understands. They ignore her and move on.)

Guy Smiley: Let’s go around and say how we’ve all been affected by Cookie’s habit.

Big Bird: Well, last week I was asleep in my nest, in the back alley, next to a dumpster, where you all inexplicably let me sleep…alone! (he glares around the room at everyone before returning to the topic at hand). I was awoken by grunting noises, and when I looked up, I saw you in the corner with some man who looked a lot like Bert, but in a leather mask, and chaps, and a glowstick necklace. You must have been tailoring his chaps, because you were on your knees, and when you finished, he gave you a bag of Chips Ahoy. I guess it really hurt my feelings that you’d wake me up like that, and not even introduce me to a new friend.

Ernie storms out in tears, and Bert runs after him. Everyone else sits in silence, horrified, for 37 minutes. Elmo just laughs.

Oscar the Grouch: Cookie, I’ve been noticing a lot of burnt spoons and used syringes in my trash can. I don’t like to pry, but you have been throwing them in my home, so I smelled one, and I could be wrong but it smelled like Peanut Butter Blossom dough. (everyone gasps in horror, except for a frustrated Linda who has no idea what’s going on)

Cookie Monster: Cookie don’t need this shit from NOBODY! I no get me PHD in Women’s Studies from NYU to be treated like animal! (Animal storms out, offended.)

The Count: That’s 1, 2, 3 Muppets that have stormed out. HAHAHA! (thunder rolls, and the lights flicker, everyone looks annoyed that he was invited)

Cookie Monster: I no need ANY of you! I going to move back to Connecticut to be with Vanessa. She love me for me!

Cookie Monster, confused by rage, mistakenly storms out the open 6^th story window instead of the apartment door. Everyone watches in horror as he plummets to his death. His blood, nothing more than chocolate chip cookie dough, is heated by the cement below. The smell envelops Sesame Street and lingers for months. Most of the residents are unable to cope and move to nearby Poppy Seed Lane.

The End

For Auction: One (1) custom made (by ME), Elisabeth Shue-horn....

Tue, 11 Oct 2011 09:35:00 -0400

For Auction: One (1) custom made (by ME), Elisabeth Shue-horn. Reverse side features post-plastic surgery likeness of Elisabeth Shue. VERY RARE ITEM. The bidding will start at $4,000 (USD).

Full House: A Dramatization

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 13:30:00 -0400

Scene 1: Night Falls

Night falls on San Francisco. A green smog, the result of a bio-chemical blitz from terrorists on Alcatraz Island, hangs low over the city, breached only sporadically by pristine, hilltop townhouses. The scene opens in the Tanner Family living room.

Danny: “BREATHE YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

Danny pounds his fists on Joey’s chest in one final attempt to revitalize his now cold body. DJ and Jesse stare ahead blankly, still in shock from the events of the evening. In a corner, Stephanie rocks back and forth; her legs hugged tightly to her chest. She hums the melody to “Itzy Bitzy Spider” over, and over. Michelle sleeps soundly in her crib, unaware she’ll awaken to a changed world. Joey’s body twitches one last time.

Danny: “He’s gone.”

Jesse: “What…what do we do now? He was outside for less than a minute, Danny. And Becky, she…she’s at” (Danny interrupts)

Danny: “She’s fine, Jesse! She’s safe at the studio. Don’t think like that!”

DJ: “What happ…(her voice shakes) daddy, what happened?”

Danny: “Baby, listen to me, we’re going to be fine. Jesse and I are here, and we’re going to protect you girls.” (whispers to Jesse) “Keep the kids calm, I’m going to get some bleach from the kitchen to clean this mess up…my God, his skin is…everywhere.”

Jesse gathers Stephanie and DJ and walks hand in hand with them to the couch. They sit in silence until Jesse turns on the TV. There is no sound or movement, just a live shot of an empty news studio. He stares blankly at the TV for several minutes, and then notices a woman on the floor in the corner of the screen, slowly trying to crawl.

Jesse: “Becky! Becky!! DANNY!!! She’s alive, Becky’s alive! I’m going to get her.”

Jesse grabs his leather jacket, hairbrush, and motorcycle keys, and heads for the front door. Danny bursts out of the kitchen, bedecked in an apron, goggles, and yellow latex kitchen gloves.

Danny: “No!Don’t open that door! You’ll kill us all, Jesse!”

The yelling wakes Michelle up. Jesse hears her cry as his hand grabs the doorknob. He looks to her crib, then to Danny and the girls, and lets go of the doorknob. He walks, slowly, to the TV, in time to watch his beloved convulse quickly. Then, she is still.

Jesse: “Have mercy!”

END SCENE (Click here for Scene 2)

Last night, while taking the city by storm under my alias (Jack...

Sun, 02 Oct 2011 14:15:00 -0400

Last night, while taking the city by storm under my alias (Jack O’Brien, a mildly successful children’s author with a dark secret) I mistakenly wore women’s socks. These socks didn’t cover my Achilles tendon well, and by approximately 11:08, my tendon skin began to bleed on my new white shoes. Instead of getting a Bandaid, I decided to stop in my tracks and chew through the tip of my socks, allowing me to push the ball of my foot through, and cover my Achilles. It should be noted that I’d had only one drink prior.