Several years ago, a roommate of mine acquired the prosthetic leg of a taxi-driver/prostitute named Constance who had recently passed (may she rest). When he left, the leg stayed, and I’ve since utilized it as a planter for Pinkerton, my weeping willow tree. Pinkerton is as happy as a clam in his new home, and loving the extra height. The same cannot be said for my new roommate Clarissa, who ALLEGEDLY has been haunted by Constance of late. Nothing big, just scratching on the walls, doors creaking, your run of the mill stuff. I tried explaining to Clarissa that Constance has the mind of an artist, and artists are very emotional beings, which I really think helped to calm her down. Then this morning, in a TWIST, I saw a large squirrel on the side of the house scratching on Clarissa’s room. Can you believe it? It wasn’t Constance at all! That said, the baseless allegations of haunting by Clarissa are not likely to sit well with a spirit as conflicted as Constance, and I’m expecting some kind of retribution. I’ve decided to have a seince to settle any negative feelings once and for all. Nothing fancy, just some of Clarissa and Constance’s friends, toast and Manchego, Merlot, Oh, and maybe some FLAMENCO MUSIC! They’ll be thick as thieves before you know it. I truly am the taxi-driver, prostitute, spirit guide whisperer.
Nice work CNN. Either you’re writing sensational headlines, or you need work on prioritizing the order of your news stories.