Me again! So today my ex-girlfriend just showed up out of nowhere, and was all “I LOVE you! Don’t forget me!”. I was like “Bitch PLEASE, time to move on!” THEN she was all, “I’m going to write a song about the love we had, and how you treated me, and then you’ll feel like a real asshole.” And I was all “Ummmmm, sure, go ahead and do that. Like anyone’s going to listen to your shitty little song!” She’ll never amount to anything. Stupid Adele.
Things have not gone according to plan.
Meet Steve Jobs
- Infiltrate a cult to rescue a friend (note: must first convince friend to join cult)
- Sing acoustic “Straight Outta Compton” duet with Dolly Parton.
Become the most popular person on Myspace.
- Survive kidnapping in a foreign country. CHECK
- Do a human pyramid in the back of a Peapod truck. CHECK
Take the stairs to the top of the World Trade Center. Get a job at Lehman Brothers.
- Dress as the Indian shooting a star on the Tootsie Pop wrapper for Halloween
Eat late night Cheesecake with the entire cast of Golden Girls.
- Have my likeness featured on a Birthday cake dressed a Don Johnson circa 1987. CHECK
Ride an American Space Shuttle into orbit. See Michael Jackson live. Go on a crocodile expedition with Steve Irwin.
Nice work CNN. Either you’re writing sensational headlines, or you need work on prioritizing the order of your news stories.